Jazz legend Joe Morello once said it best by defining the humble role of a group-based drummer: You never should deliberately outshine the band leader or you will quickly find yourself out of a job. The same adage applies in a different way to your partner, for the time being, in life.
Dealing with bandmate personas on top of managing the often complex feelings of romantic friends and spouses can be the equivalent of playing a 9/8 time signature inside of a ¾ feel.
Beyond the pathetic drummer discrimination rants from arrogant musicians who are so caught up in themselves and their own insecurities that they throw you under the bus, there exists a way to manage personalities and find common ground. Then again, some of the tension that builds among bandmates and partners is also a contributor to making good music and relationships last, so it is a delicate tight rope we walk.
After playing in bands for more than 30 years, for me it really all comes down to communication, or lack thereof. And email, texting and Facebook have not helped band and partner relations at all. Bands are an extended family, or at least should act like one once they develop the footprint of cohesion and initial maturity. Bandmates need to nurture their relations by not holding opinions back about anything, and that unselfish process should start well before you ever play your first note together. When bands routinely set aside “talk time” without instruments in hand, or regularly hold band outings, intrapersonal success and better music typically follows. The trick is not to use email or PDAs – ever – as a mechanism for conveying critique or discipline.
Make it a band rule that online technology should only be used to convey successes, gig and practice details, and exchange fan and music data. If you follow this simple rule, a ton of misconstrued emails – and in many cases lost bands – will be avoided. One of my bands uses a whiteboard at our rehearsal space to not only jot down song idea reminders, but also note our goals both in progress and achieved. Hang out regularly without instruments as that is a great friend-building experience, such as attending live shows together.
As for actual playing time discrepancies and differences that do arise, the best medicine at practice is to immediately stop and analyze the problem whether personality or musically based. Enter rehearsal in a positive frame of mind free of substance abuse. Whether it is a bandmate’s continuously arrogant mannerism or drums filling when they shouldn’t be, true musicians stop during songs and find a solution. Don’t wait until the end of a tune, or much worse, the end of practice to let your feelings be known. And when the band leader stops a particular composition, that means you stop playing as well. Playing your instrument during a band timeout is rude and inconsiderate. Pros don’t do it.
New (and perhaps older) bands should also agree on a few common goals, including:
- How do you choose the songs the band plays?
- What is your practice schedule?
- Who will organize and pay for rehearsal rooms?
- How will you organize concerts and pay for band equipment?
- What is the general decision making process?
- Where does the band want to go?
- Will you copyright everything that is an original composition and how?
In a live show situation, every member of the band must remember that you have customers – your fans and potential new ones – to please. You are as much a showman as you are a musician on stage. Act like it. Savvy audiences pick up fairly easily on body language and facial negativity, let alone screaming voices.
I once remember seeing one of my all-time favorite bands, RUSH, in concert in Boston. Guitarist Alex Lifeson had wireless difficulties toward the end of the show that could not be easily fixed. Almost half a song was played with just drum, bass and synth, though no one could miss how visibly upset Alex was with his techies, even shouting at times. Alex’s overreaction left an indelible mark on the concert’s conclusion and in my own mind.
If one of your bandmates just isn’t playing well, go over and whisper something reassuring in his or her ears between songs. Just don’t stare them down or lip synch a wise crack. If a bandmate is overreacting to a negative fan’s remarks or discerning club employee, calm him or her down by accepting responsibility for handling that situation instead. Be the bigger person at gigs. The worst possible thing you can do is to draw your fans into a quagmire. Keep personal and musical differences private and off stage. That’s what good families do outside of the public’s eye.
As for romantic friends, life partners and spouses, I can’t tell folks how they should conduct their personal relationships. What I can advise is to be truthful and open at all times. If your significant other respects your musicianship and understands the time and commitment aspects involved in being in a band, it should pave the way for many years of playing enjoyment. If you don’t have a friend or spouse that understands you as a musician or you didn’t explain the industry properly to begin with, then you are probably not going to have much fun doing that because you will always have that personal angst and anxiety present. It may be time to put the drums up in the attic for awhile, if that’s the case.
If you are in a newer relationship, be very clear with your significant other about what is required of active bands so you both can set time investment parameters together. Though I am far from perfect, I routinely send my wife a personal calendar of upcoming gigs and practices so we’re on the same page, and that is not easy given I play in three different bands. But we make it work. It’s give and take and he or she should always win. Your partner needs his or her own down time and hobbies as well, so when you are not playing or practicing, make sure you are contributing on the home front in a consistent and fair way.
When your friend or spouse attends a gig, though I highly advise against inviting them to band practices, treat them like royalty. They are your special guests so don’t avoid them between sets or when done; be with and love them. That sincere show of affection will most certainly carry-over to how your admiring fans, other friends, and bandmates perceive you. And perception is reality.
It really all comes down to compassion. Treat your bandmates and significant others better than you would treat yourself. Folks in general tend to forget how far their relationships have grown. It’s always good to look back in time at the positive developments every full moon or so. Have fun.
- Tim Kane is an independent drummer, instructor and writer living in Massachusetts. He writes a weekly blog for Gibraltar Hardware.

























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